500

Sometimes I just want to eat everything. The entire world. I think I'd like to eat the whole world. I think that would be good. I think it would taste fantastic right now. Like a cookie. Like a big cookie. With macadamia nuts and raisins and white chocolate. I must be hungry.

I shouldn't be. I had a nice lunch with my darling today. Veggie Delight (AKA steamed broccoli, cabbage and a mushroom with spicy sauce [50 cals]). I had a nice day with him. I had a nice weekend with him. We ate. A lot. But he commented on how much I didn't eat. It worries him I think. I feel terribly inconsiderate.

I've lost some weight. I'm at 109 today. I bought size 16 pants in girls, which is roughly a size 2 is womens. I've lost a size! It's only taken three years!

I just need to make it through the rest of the evening without overeating. I cannot wait until dinner (cabbage, peppers, maybe a mushroom, celery [30 cals]; oatmeal [150 cals]; egg beaters [30-90 cals, depending on my mood]; yogurt [40-80 cals]; grapes [120 cals max]).

  --let's see, that'd put me at... 50+30+150+60+70+120...480?? Well, if my daily goal is 500, I SHOULD be okay with it...who am I kidding? I'm not okay...--

Maybe I shouldn't eat so much. I feel so fat. Who am I kidding? I'm going to eat.

Busy Busy Busy

Don't you love busy days? Today I wrote a midterm. Well, over the past two days I wrote a midterm. I put it together today? 12 pages. 12 pages in 2 days. My professor must be nutsopsycho. Oh well. No eating on busy days! Enjoyable.

Acidic Temperament

I think the b/ping in addition to my obsession with spicy food is finally becoming a problem. I think I have acid reflux. Every time I eat, I have panic attack symptoms, especially the shortness of breath. Why must I love spicy food so fervently?!

Fatty.

Why do I feel so obese?

Blase.

Are you ever full but still hungry? Today I ate some no-chicken soup and a bit of stirfry (2 mushrooms, 5 jalapenos, 1/3 medium onion and a handful of shredded cabbage) but I feel fat as heck. I'm so sick of this feeling. I'm still hungry (for my midnight snacks (kefir, grapes and an apple). I may weigh less, but I feel like a super fatty. Maybe it is really just the liquids bloating me. Who knows.

In other news, making appointments with doctors is stressful. I just need my medication refilled. The next appointment opening is Oct 31. How the heck does THAT help me? I'm going to go totally loony by then.

Also, I met with my Academic Adviser today. I should graduate Fall 2012 (Just after my 21st birthday!). Hopefully, my thesis adviser will allow me to take his Grad seminar so I do not need to take one of my honors requirements. Pray! Regardless, I have two semesters left. Hooray for me?

I will leave you with this question: How do you make a double espresso? *hint--it's just two shots of espresso... not that hard... you would think a Batista would know how to do that much.*

Cheers dears.
Erika

Oh How Nice!

---48.9kg---

What?

---48.9kg---

This cannot be right. Can it?

---48.9kg---

I can hardly believe my eyes. Either I lost a water weight, my scale is lying, or I finally lost weight. Granted, my belly is a bit smaller, I have not been consuming nearly as much junk food (70 cal egg rolls are my weakness) and I have been working out, but can it be true? I suppose it is. Thank Bog or God.

Today I've had a bit of celery and some no-chicken broth with a mushroom. I am unbelievably full on this low calorie diet. How can it go wrong?

Well, I suppose when I add the panic attack I had this morning, my bright day would be dampened. Nope. After popping my medicine, I calmed down so much that I felt normal. I have not felt this relaxed in such a long time. It is absolute ecstasy. I was productive in my seminars today, I felt able to participate in discourse, and I made genuinely good points. Is this real?

Well, I suppose it is. A male chum of mine broached me on the subject of my mood. He noted my extreme moodiness of the past few days. Ouch. Oh well. Can't ruin my mood today!

Maybe I should take anti anxiety pills more often.

Panic

I wish I could start this blog with more insight than I am going to. However, the past few days are not lending themselves to an insightful statement, nor an uplifting vantage.

Do you ever feel that your are being ripped out of your body? How about that moment when you see everything falling apart and you cannot find tape, glue, nails or even safety pins? Well, I suppose it is anticlimactic mentioning that is my emotional state right now. 

I'm obsessive. I'm mentally compulsive. Both are directed towards my grades. I am a good student. My teachers like me, I work hard and I like to think I incite good class discussions. So when I do my best and receive mediocre results, I am frustrated. When it happens with regularity, I am overwhelmed. So far, that is what this semester looks like. I am working my hardest and receiving negligible results. I spend days editing, and my professors say I need to work on editing. I am in my second day of a panic attack over this. I give up.

Likewise, my weight rose like Ol' Faithful since this summer. This time last year I was at a pleasant 48.6kg. Last weigh-in I topped at 54.4kg. Not lovely. 

So, on top of anxiety, I have my ana/mia rekindling. I was happy with my body only months ago. Why did I relax? 

These issues are now bubbling into my personal life. My darling beau (the reasons why I became so lax [it is difficult not eating when so happy, in love, and enjoying delightful meals together (did I mention he is a chef?!)]) wonders why I am so unhappy. Truthfully, I am unhappy--with myself. I wish I did not take my anxiety out on him. He deserves a happy, healthy dame. Sometimes, I hear myself speaking and I just want to tell myself to quit with the rubbish and be cheery. But I cannot. 

I am exhausted. I think I'll go write some bollocks about men chasing whales.

Cheers,

The Technicolor Whale

 

CW: 52.1KG

GW: 47.6KG