Positive Post.

The semester ended... and ended well! I'm finally down to 102--2 pounds to my UGW! I received a 4.0 for the semester, dropped my intersession class, went to NYC, bought couture, and came home for a wunderbar Christmas break. 

Christmas came and went. I received a new Acer laptop, a bunch of Juicy jewelry, and a BEAUTIFUL juicy coat from my parents, Adobe CS5 and a Bamboo pad from the most wonderful boyfriend in the universe. My grandmother bought me a Tiffany's bracelet for my birthday and Christmas (one gift).

 For my boyfriend I bought 3 books: The Ubu Plays, My Goat Ate It's Own Legs, and Letters Written in Sweden, Norway, and Denmark. I hope he enjoys them. I am enjoying mine! I had a wonderful Christmas with my boyfriend. He was very sweet, helped me with my new laptop, helped me with my mood, helped me with my life needs, helped me. He always does. I love him. What can I say. 

I have not had many migraines. I turned 21 recently and some alcohols trigger migraines (red wine, but not white, oddly). My shoulder is sore. I was at the store, purchasing creme to rub on my shoulder when I ran into my ex's mother. I fled the scene, forgetting the creme. I regret it. Good news? I have a massage scheduled tomorrow!!! 

I can't think straight anymore. I don't want to. I refuse. Just know, I'm feeling upbeat. Things are good. As my new Juicy necklace box says: Live a juicy life, Balance is Overrated. 

My Migraine

I suffer from migraines--chronically. I have one--almost every day. On the right side of my head, or my left. It comes in the morning, or after noon, or in the evening. It doesn't matter. But it comes. Every day. Almost without fail. It comes. I don't know my trigger. Today I realized it might be my birth control. But then again, it might not be. It could be nothing. I told my mother I was thinking about suicide because I cannot deal with this pain for the rest of my life. I cannot. She understands. I will find relief somehow I am sure.



I have no life right now.

Fat Fat Fat Me Me Me Fat Fat Fat

I feel so fat. God I feel fat. I'm not. I'm losing weight, but I feel terribly fat. Maybe it has something to do with the bag of cabbage I ate. Perhaps the ten glasses of water I drank. Regardless, I feel awfully fat.

I told der Mann I want to go to grad school in another state... so I can get a job... so I can provide for my family... so I can be a recognized person... he just responds with 'I love you' each time I try and convey to him anything serious like this. I don't get it. Why does he have to dismiss me in this way? How frustrating. How cliche. No. Not cliche. Just absurd. It's not my fault I was blessed with a brain. A good one too.

I never compliment myself, I rarely do. But I am darned smart. If I don't go to a decent grad school, I'm going to regret it forever. I've wanted a PhD as long as I can remember. I've worked my tail off for it. He makes me feel so guilty about it. But I do love him terribly.

I just don't know what I want right now. I just know I want myself...

500

Sometimes I just want to eat everything. The entire world. I think I'd like to eat the whole world. I think that would be good. I think it would taste fantastic right now. Like a cookie. Like a big cookie. With macadamia nuts and raisins and white chocolate. I must be hungry.

I shouldn't be. I had a nice lunch with my darling today. Veggie Delight (AKA steamed broccoli, cabbage and a mushroom with spicy sauce [50 cals]). I had a nice day with him. I had a nice weekend with him. We ate. A lot. But he commented on how much I didn't eat. It worries him I think. I feel terribly inconsiderate.

I've lost some weight. I'm at 109 today. I bought size 16 pants in girls, which is roughly a size 2 is womens. I've lost a size! It's only taken three years!

I just need to make it through the rest of the evening without overeating. I cannot wait until dinner (cabbage, peppers, maybe a mushroom, celery [30 cals]; oatmeal [150 cals]; egg beaters [30-90 cals, depending on my mood]; yogurt [40-80 cals]; grapes [120 cals max]).

  --let's see, that'd put me at... 50+30+150+60+70+120...480?? Well, if my daily goal is 500, I SHOULD be okay with it...who am I kidding? I'm not okay...--

Maybe I shouldn't eat so much. I feel so fat. Who am I kidding? I'm going to eat.

Busy Busy Busy

Don't you love busy days? Today I wrote a midterm. Well, over the past two days I wrote a midterm. I put it together today? 12 pages. 12 pages in 2 days. My professor must be nutsopsycho. Oh well. No eating on busy days! Enjoyable.

Acidic Temperament

I think the b/ping in addition to my obsession with spicy food is finally becoming a problem. I think I have acid reflux. Every time I eat, I have panic attack symptoms, especially the shortness of breath. Why must I love spicy food so fervently?!

Fatty.

Why do I feel so obese?

Blase.

Are you ever full but still hungry? Today I ate some no-chicken soup and a bit of stirfry (2 mushrooms, 5 jalapenos, 1/3 medium onion and a handful of shredded cabbage) but I feel fat as heck. I'm so sick of this feeling. I'm still hungry (for my midnight snacks (kefir, grapes and an apple). I may weigh less, but I feel like a super fatty. Maybe it is really just the liquids bloating me. Who knows.

In other news, making appointments with doctors is stressful. I just need my medication refilled. The next appointment opening is Oct 31. How the heck does THAT help me? I'm going to go totally loony by then.

Also, I met with my Academic Adviser today. I should graduate Fall 2012 (Just after my 21st birthday!). Hopefully, my thesis adviser will allow me to take his Grad seminar so I do not need to take one of my honors requirements. Pray! Regardless, I have two semesters left. Hooray for me?

I will leave you with this question: How do you make a double espresso? *hint--it's just two shots of espresso... not that hard... you would think a Batista would know how to do that much.*

Cheers dears.
Erika

Oh How Nice!

---48.9kg---

What?

---48.9kg---

This cannot be right. Can it?

---48.9kg---

I can hardly believe my eyes. Either I lost a water weight, my scale is lying, or I finally lost weight. Granted, my belly is a bit smaller, I have not been consuming nearly as much junk food (70 cal egg rolls are my weakness) and I have been working out, but can it be true? I suppose it is. Thank Bog or God.

Today I've had a bit of celery and some no-chicken broth with a mushroom. I am unbelievably full on this low calorie diet. How can it go wrong?

Well, I suppose when I add the panic attack I had this morning, my bright day would be dampened. Nope. After popping my medicine, I calmed down so much that I felt normal. I have not felt this relaxed in such a long time. It is absolute ecstasy. I was productive in my seminars today, I felt able to participate in discourse, and I made genuinely good points. Is this real?

Well, I suppose it is. A male chum of mine broached me on the subject of my mood. He noted my extreme moodiness of the past few days. Ouch. Oh well. Can't ruin my mood today!

Maybe I should take anti anxiety pills more often.

Panic

I wish I could start this blog with more insight than I am going to. However, the past few days are not lending themselves to an insightful statement, nor an uplifting vantage.

Do you ever feel that your are being ripped out of your body? How about that moment when you see everything falling apart and you cannot find tape, glue, nails or even safety pins? Well, I suppose it is anticlimactic mentioning that is my emotional state right now. 

I'm obsessive. I'm mentally compulsive. Both are directed towards my grades. I am a good student. My teachers like me, I work hard and I like to think I incite good class discussions. So when I do my best and receive mediocre results, I am frustrated. When it happens with regularity, I am overwhelmed. So far, that is what this semester looks like. I am working my hardest and receiving negligible results. I spend days editing, and my professors say I need to work on editing. I am in my second day of a panic attack over this. I give up.

Likewise, my weight rose like Ol' Faithful since this summer. This time last year I was at a pleasant 48.6kg. Last weigh-in I topped at 54.4kg. Not lovely. 

So, on top of anxiety, I have my ana/mia rekindling. I was happy with my body only months ago. Why did I relax? 

These issues are now bubbling into my personal life. My darling beau (the reasons why I became so lax [it is difficult not eating when so happy, in love, and enjoying delightful meals together (did I mention he is a chef?!)]) wonders why I am so unhappy. Truthfully, I am unhappy--with myself. I wish I did not take my anxiety out on him. He deserves a happy, healthy dame. Sometimes, I hear myself speaking and I just want to tell myself to quit with the rubbish and be cheery. But I cannot. 

I am exhausted. I think I'll go write some bollocks about men chasing whales.

Cheers,

The Technicolor Whale

 

CW: 52.1KG

GW: 47.6KG