Positive Post.

The semester ended... and ended well! I'm finally down to 102--2 pounds to my UGW! I received a 4.0 for the semester, dropped my intersession class, went to NYC, bought couture, and came home for a wunderbar Christmas break. 

Christmas came and went. I received a new Acer laptop, a bunch of Juicy jewelry, and a BEAUTIFUL juicy coat from my parents, Adobe CS5 and a Bamboo pad from the most wonderful boyfriend in the universe. My grandmother bought me a Tiffany's bracelet for my birthday and Christmas (one gift).

 For my boyfriend I bought 3 books: The Ubu Plays, My Goat Ate It's Own Legs, and Letters Written in Sweden, Norway, and Denmark. I hope he enjoys them. I am enjoying mine! I had a wonderful Christmas with my boyfriend. He was very sweet, helped me with my new laptop, helped me with my mood, helped me with my life needs, helped me. He always does. I love him. What can I say. 

I have not had many migraines. I turned 21 recently and some alcohols trigger migraines (red wine, but not white, oddly). My shoulder is sore. I was at the store, purchasing creme to rub on my shoulder when I ran into my ex's mother. I fled the scene, forgetting the creme. I regret it. Good news? I have a massage scheduled tomorrow!!! 

I can't think straight anymore. I don't want to. I refuse. Just know, I'm feeling upbeat. Things are good. As my new Juicy necklace box says: Live a juicy life, Balance is Overrated. 

My Migraine

I suffer from migraines--chronically. I have one--almost every day. On the right side of my head, or my left. It comes in the morning, or after noon, or in the evening. It doesn't matter. But it comes. Every day. Almost without fail. It comes. I don't know my trigger. Today I realized it might be my birth control. But then again, it might not be. It could be nothing. I told my mother I was thinking about suicide because I cannot deal with this pain for the rest of my life. I cannot. She understands. I will find relief somehow I am sure.



I have no life right now.

Fat Fat Fat Me Me Me Fat Fat Fat

I feel so fat. God I feel fat. I'm not. I'm losing weight, but I feel terribly fat. Maybe it has something to do with the bag of cabbage I ate. Perhaps the ten glasses of water I drank. Regardless, I feel awfully fat.

I told der Mann I want to go to grad school in another state... so I can get a job... so I can provide for my family... so I can be a recognized person... he just responds with 'I love you' each time I try and convey to him anything serious like this. I don't get it. Why does he have to dismiss me in this way? How frustrating. How cliche. No. Not cliche. Just absurd. It's not my fault I was blessed with a brain. A good one too.

I never compliment myself, I rarely do. But I am darned smart. If I don't go to a decent grad school, I'm going to regret it forever. I've wanted a PhD as long as I can remember. I've worked my tail off for it. He makes me feel so guilty about it. But I do love him terribly.

I just don't know what I want right now. I just know I want myself...

500

Sometimes I just want to eat everything. The entire world. I think I'd like to eat the whole world. I think that would be good. I think it would taste fantastic right now. Like a cookie. Like a big cookie. With macadamia nuts and raisins and white chocolate. I must be hungry.

I shouldn't be. I had a nice lunch with my darling today. Veggie Delight (AKA steamed broccoli, cabbage and a mushroom with spicy sauce [50 cals]). I had a nice day with him. I had a nice weekend with him. We ate. A lot. But he commented on how much I didn't eat. It worries him I think. I feel terribly inconsiderate.

I've lost some weight. I'm at 109 today. I bought size 16 pants in girls, which is roughly a size 2 is womens. I've lost a size! It's only taken three years!

I just need to make it through the rest of the evening without overeating. I cannot wait until dinner (cabbage, peppers, maybe a mushroom, celery [30 cals]; oatmeal [150 cals]; egg beaters [30-90 cals, depending on my mood]; yogurt [40-80 cals]; grapes [120 cals max]).

  --let's see, that'd put me at... 50+30+150+60+70+120...480?? Well, if my daily goal is 500, I SHOULD be okay with it...who am I kidding? I'm not okay...--

Maybe I shouldn't eat so much. I feel so fat. Who am I kidding? I'm going to eat.

Busy Busy Busy

Don't you love busy days? Today I wrote a midterm. Well, over the past two days I wrote a midterm. I put it together today? 12 pages. 12 pages in 2 days. My professor must be nutsopsycho. Oh well. No eating on busy days! Enjoyable.

Acidic Temperament

I think the b/ping in addition to my obsession with spicy food is finally becoming a problem. I think I have acid reflux. Every time I eat, I have panic attack symptoms, especially the shortness of breath. Why must I love spicy food so fervently?!

Fatty.

Why do I feel so obese?